Autumnfox (foxymoonheart) wrote,

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C'est la vie

I know I had nightmares as I slept, although I can't seem to recall what they were. Tibs made plans to take the car to Eddie, and sort of assumed I would be going with him. A simple misunderstanding to be sure, but I just wasn't feeling so great. Of course, I got hit with a barrage of "why", which started wearing me down. At least those breathing techniques are working, and I was able to contain my frustration. Still, I felt rather ungood before, and that only made me feel worse. Reading a book and then sleep did very little for me. I'm still shaking a bit, typically a sign of stress. Nothing I do seems to help with that right now, though.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so shy. My roommate told me I would have been welcomed with his friends last weekend, but I don't really feel that'd be true. Nothing against them at all, it's purely me. I've never been very good with conversation, until I really get to know someone. Even then, I'm mostly a listener. I just don't feel like sitting on the sidelines, feeling lonely even within a group of people. I suppose that's why I don't go. I think I actually feel less lonely when I'm alone than when I'm around others I don't know very well.

Yes, I'm sure there will be people who'll think I have no reason to feel lonely, but they apparently don't understand me one bit. *shrug*

No big deal, life goes on. I'm still searching for answers for a lot of things; I'm not sure where I'll end up. I know I need a better job, where I feel like my work actually means something. Of course, I really hate it when others say that I need a better job. Honestly, I feel trapped as it is, and placing further expectations on me does not improve the situation. I honestly feel that, regardless of job, I'd still stress out quite often; I'd still suffer these panic attacks. In short, I'm not worthy of a better job right now, because I don't feel I could secure it for very long, given my difficulties. I guess that's why I'm still working on internal matters; though often I don't feel that I'm getting anywhere.

Oh well. C'est la vie, non?

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