Autumnfox (foxymoonheart) wrote,

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What am I looking for?

Yesterday was my day off, and I did absolutely nothing. :P Typically, I'd go over Eddie and Aaron's, play around with the Volvo for a bit (well, at least learning by helping Eddie, since I'm clueless about cars), go wall-climbing, get food, then RPG for a bit with them. Yet, I stayed home yesterday, and did nothing but sit in front of a screen, and sleep. I'm curious if the reduction in the meds I was taking is part of that, and am starting to rethink whether I should quit or not. Then again, there may be other things going on, too.

For one thing, I'm starting to get more concerned about my funds. My bank account dropped to unreasonable (for me) levels, and I was starting to worry that my account had been hijacked. Thankfully, my bank statement arrived yesterday, and I see that everything is accounted for. Still, it's not like me, spending indiscriminately, particularly since my hours at work have been cut severely for the past two months. I'm usually very frugal about my savings. I guess part of me is just wondering if there's something deeper going on inside me. I have a tendency to spend a lot when I'm feeling "blah".

Tibble should be coming "home" sometime today. I use the quotes, because I realize that he still doesn't consider this place home. Part of me is wondering if he really wants to be here. I mean, I know he could find a much, much better job in New York. Oh, I'm probably just allowing my thoughts to flood my brain again, and worrying needlessly. A friend of mine mentioned something yesterday, which has started to concern me...

I really need someone to hold me right about now. Maybe that's just it, maybe I'm just craving a little attention right now. I really feel like doing something absolutely crazy today, like going about town in my foxsuit. Yeah, I'm too shy to do stuff like that, but still. I was reading some other LJ's today about that, folks who go about in fursuit, yet without the mask (only ears). I admire them a bit on that, to have the courage to just, well, not take themselves so seriously. I think that's the brunt of my problem: I'm way too serious. I need to learn to laugh more, and find happiness in each small moment.

Of course, faith in myself has never been my forte.

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