May 27th, 2004

Autumnfox mischief

C'est la vie

I know I had nightmares as I slept, although I can't seem to recall what they were. Tibs made plans to take the car to Eddie, and sort of assumed I would be going with him. A simple misunderstanding to be sure, but I just wasn't feeling so great. Of course, I got hit with a barrage of "why", which started wearing me down. At least those breathing techniques are working, and I was able to contain my frustration. Still, I felt rather ungood before, and that only made me feel worse. Reading a book and then sleep did very little for me. I'm still shaking a bit, typically a sign of stress. Nothing I do seems to help with that right now, though.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so shy. My roommate told me I would have been welcomed with his friends last weekend, but I don't really feel that'd be true. Nothing against them at all, it's purely me. I've never been very good with conversation, until I really get to know someone. Even then, I'm mostly a listener. I just don't feel like sitting on the sidelines, feeling lonely even within a group of people. I suppose that's why I don't go. I think I actually feel less lonely when I'm alone than when I'm around others I don't know very well.

Yes, I'm sure there will be people who'll think I have no reason to feel lonely, but they apparently don't understand me one bit. *shrug*

No big deal, life goes on. I'm still searching for answers for a lot of things; I'm not sure where I'll end up. I know I need a better job, where I feel like my work actually means something. Of course, I really hate it when others say that I need a better job. Honestly, I feel trapped as it is, and placing further expectations on me does not improve the situation. I honestly feel that, regardless of job, I'd still stress out quite often; I'd still suffer these panic attacks. In short, I'm not worthy of a better job right now, because I don't feel I could secure it for very long, given my difficulties. I guess that's why I'm still working on internal matters; though often I don't feel that I'm getting anywhere.

Oh well. C'est la vie, non?
  • Current Music
    Soul Asylum - Runaway Train
Autumnfox mischief

Yes, I'm still fearing the long-term effects of banana bread.

Hehe, the subject line was generated from the LJ Markov Random Text Generator. It seems to examine your LJ and create sentences at random. I tried it a few times, and here's some more interesting (and occasionally funny) lines, in no specific order:

  • Billy Joel once wanted to be in the mood, though.
  • Puff Daddy - Don't care for it, I prefer the natural world.
  • After work, I got hit with a big car fan.
  • So I think communication is so ironic.
  • Wow, I forgot how much of anything.
  • Clay Aiken - New guy, isn't he? I don't know why he apparently hated me.
  • For all that is good and right in the long run.
  • For now, it's time to get my goat, to annoy me to mature very quickly.
  • I get one day off during the week between workdays, and I actually felt comfortable in the universe!
  • I'm sure my depression is a fun song to sing or dance to or whatever, though not nearly as strong as before.
  • I think someone upset me, and with my heart than my mind is feeling that I need to redevelop some of the Universe!

Okay, I could go on forever, hehe. Check it out here, it's fun! :)